Like Wildflowers, We Grow - A Bitter Sweet Journey to Who I have Become

I had hit my rock bottom at this time. We both were grieving. That day I told him, maybe it was easier to die than go through all this.

Be like a wildflower he said. Embrace the beauty of who you are and what you have become. How far you have come as a person. It was no one, but my husband to tell me this. Giving up, quitting will always come easy. But thriving is beautiful and wild.

His words were etched in my heart. But why am I sharing this? To let you know, that I was not always strong nor am I always positive. Let's say, I have settled to be somewhere between pessimistic and optimistic about the way life comes to me.

It was after my third miscarriage, that I truly recognized the need to love and care for someone. Someone who would be just like a baby, someone who would show me, love. Ajay and I were laying in bed. It was a Tuesday afternoon. I asked him if we could bring home a fur baby. We had just bought a house, and we were all invested in the house. Having a fur baby was a decision I left for him to make. And there she entered our life, our sweet angel, Luna.

You never know, how blessings are sent to us. She was my blessing, the one who helped me survive the pain. Ajay and I both started noticing a difference in my energy. I was doing better finally. Luna was a year-old when we finally decided to give fertility treatment a try.

I deal with severe anxiety issues. It is hard to let go of your past completely. But is there any other way, then moving on?

My heart will always be broken for the void that I felt after losing my first. My tummy will always carry the stretch marks I got from my second pregnancy. My heart will always be bruised for the little angels I lost.

But, at the same time, my heart is so full of love and happiness when I see Luna when Ajay and Luna play together when Luna comes for cuddles to me, and on days when she only needs her mommy.

I started seeing my therapist right before we started the fertility treatment. I was so stressed that I had managed to elevate my perfectly normal thyroid. I was lucky to have it caught very early on, but well I took it in a very hard way. After I started visiting my therapist, I started to ease up a little bit. I got better at communicating my thoughts to Ajay once again. The exercises she gave me helped me calm my nerves down, and see the fertility treatment as a doorway to us having a baby, rather than sickening myself to the thought of losing another pregnancy.

A year went by with negative tests and million blood works, but nothing happened. I was nowhere close to having a baby. IVF happened for good. Every injection I took brought me one step closer to my baby. I feel her swaying in me as I am writing this, and still, it all feels like a dream. The sweetest dream ever. Every night I read a book to Luna and Baby V, Luna lays on my tummy with our sweet girl and listens as I read. These little sweet things make my heart so full.

To my baby girl, there will never be a day that I will take your existence for granted. You will always be our little girl, our prayer, our love, and we will carry you in our hearts forever until infinity. Know that you are always loved, and nothing will ever bring mommy, Luna and daddy the happiness, that your arrival will. You will always be the light of our lives. Our little wildflower, who knows how to survive the wildest storms. Thank you for choosing us to be your family, my little darling. We can't wait to meet you.
- Your Mama

It is my husband, because of whom I strive. He never asks for much. Just a happy heart and smile on my face. He never gets enough credit, but if it wasn't for him, I was probably not writing this. This blog would have never existed. I would have never recognized, how much I love to write and how much this blog means to me. Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for showing me love and care. Thank you for not judging me for my rage. I will never be able to love anyone as much as I love you.

For you, find someone who loves you unconditionally, who is never going to judge you. It can be your mom, your dad, your sister, your best friend, your brother, or your life partner. Trust in them. Let them hold you if you feel you are falling. We all need help. Seek the help you need and thrive.

I have learnt all this in a very hard way, but now I know how important it is to trust in someone you know who loves you and is ready to help you in any way possible.

To all the mamas out there, yes you, who is waiting for a positive pregnancy test, you who is grieving the loss of your pregnancy, you who is a fur mom, you who is carrying a child and waiting to meet them, and also you, who are mothers to your beautiful children, and also you, who chose not to be mothers, your souls are made of wildflowers.

She thought the dandelions could tell her secrets and that the wind whispered and that no rose was quite as beautiful as a field full of wildflowers-
Because, Of course she was one herself- A Wildflower. That is blooming beautifully in the most unexpected places
B. Diaz

To everyone, who wrote to me the most beautiful words for my last blog, "Little Miracles Take Time". My heart is so full. I am filled with so much gratitude towards each and every one of you who are reading this. Thank you so much for being here.

It was important to write this, for you to know that I was not always strong, I am not always positive, I am just like you, I am almost on the other side, but I don't know if I will ever get over my anxieties, but I have definitely learned to change the outlook on how life looks for me now, then how it looked 10 years back.

I hope you carry love, care and hope in your heart forever and not give up.

Love,

Aayushi